Pants or Skirts?

"Egalitarian marriage" is a term often passed around in conversation within the Cooper-Risser home. Since the inception of our relationship, we have been intentional about making egalitarian principals a part of our lives, both in our relationship with each other and in our perspective of others.

Tanner previously defined himself using the label of feminist, but we quickly found that term did not quite cover everything we stood for. No doubt we were and are both feminist, but traditional gender roles have not just proved disadvantageous to women. They have limited the roles of men as well, and we felt egalitarian best covers both sides of that coin. In short, we found the idea of being feminists too restrictive. Furthermore, friends often jumped to the assumption that we adhered to some extreme form of feminism involving bonfires and clothing, when in fact we did not. We respect the environment and our resources.

Yet the term egalitarian is still misconstrued at times, despite our attempt at using a label half the population is unfamiliar with, forcing them to listen to our specific definition rather than jumping to conclusions. So today, we would like to monopolize a few minutes of your time elaborating on what we mean and don't mean when we describe ourselves as egalitarian.

What We Don't Mean

1. Women cannot be stay-at-home moms or homemakers. We believe both of these choices are honorable and fulfilling. So is having a career. So is working part-time and staying home part-time. It's not about doing what you are expected to do as a result of your gender; it is about doing what you are most passionate about. The decision should be based off of desire and circumstances rather than gender.
2. That we devalue family. We are currently both working in fields we feel passionate about. We don't have children yet, but whenever we do, we will spoil them (within reason and stop before the "brat" part) and invest adequate time in them. We will ensure our careers are in line with that goal. 
3. That the woman "wears the pants." Whoever is most capable of leadership in a given situation is the most logical one to take charge in that moment. We possess different strengths and weaknesses, so this naturally changes from situation to situation. We do not want Tanner taking care of the car. Neither should Brianna try changing settings on the TV.

What We Do Mean

1. We do what we excel at. We feel different people are called to various vocations. Some women are called to be stay-at-home moms. If a women is called to that, it is what she should do. Some men are called to that as well. And sometimes both spouses are called to work outside the home. All of the scenarios maintain equal value (as long as the situation is sustainable).
2. We both put our family first. Tanner is not pressured to provide everything for our family. We are both responsible for taking care of our family.
3. We divide responsibility equally. We divide household chores equally and then negotiate. On occasion bribery is involved. Both of us are fully responsible for maintaining our life together. We value the humility that comes with mutually submitting to one another.

By no means is this list exhaustive, but it is our hope that it has better defined what we mean by the term "egalitarian." Feel free to post additional questions in the comments section on our blog. 

Square Dancing Lessons

"Simplify! I am going go through my books and make a pile of some to donate."

"Are you feeling okay?" Brianna looked across the room at Tanner with concern in her eyes. 

"Yes. I just need to declutter my life and simplify my collection of books. If I get rid of some books there will be room for all my books to have a home on a shelf. I need to simplify to create space to simply live." Tanner explained looking and feeling some what down. 

It has been a little over 3 whole weeks of marriage for us here on Vernedale drive and we have had quite an adventure together. From learning how to have an egalitarian marriage and not falling into stereotypical "gender roles" to buying our first vehicle together without having to finance it to overall just learning how to keep a joint budget and all the other complexities of an adventurous new marriage. 

Home is the key here. We both have been craving the feeling of home. Sure we feel at home with each other, but this was different. We were craving a community. Community that was separate from our ministries. Community that was laid back. Community that was like my old apartment back in our college years. 

During this past month we have spent most of our time outside of work exclusively with each other. It's been a lot of fun, but we have both slowly been realizing how much we need consistent people within our lives. How much we need to be able to just goof off with others.

So on this past evening we decided to try something new. We went to the next town over and signed up for our first lesson of square dancing. We had seen signs for these lessons throughout the week and had heard that the first two lessons were free so we figured we could give it a try. 

As we entered the small community center and looked around we saw many couples that were significantly older than us. We looked to be the youngest in the room and to all of them we looked as if we were still in high school. We hesitantly walked over to a square that was missing two people and began to follow the directions. As time progressed we started picking up the moves and becoming more comfortable with the pace of things. As we warmed up to the group more we slowly began talking with many of them and sharing our stories of why we were here and where we came from. 

By the end of the night we walked out of the center excited and filled with endorphins from all our laughter and dancing. We immediately looked at each other and insisted we return for the remaining 9 weeks of lessons and that we invite as many friends as we can. The entire car ride back we made a list of people to invite. We were beginning to feel this sense of community we were craving in this little community center where we were only known as the "young couple at square dancing practice."

We had found our third space where we can simply live and invite others to join us. We found community in a little community center one town over from us. It is very fitting that it would happen this way. 

-Brianna and Tanner Cooper-Risser

We lost the chickens!

For the past few months we have been eagerly preparing for our rapidly approaching wedding. Upon spotting us in a crowd, in Walmart, in a family gathering, or wherever we may be we have been asked two simple questions: How's the wedding coming? and So, when are you two having kids? Now the latter has been phrased in several different ways, such as, don't you want someone to teach to play baseball?, What will you do with all your free time?, What do you mean your dog is your child?, Don't you want little Tanners running around? We are not even married and already we are being bombarded with these questions that no newly wed should have to deal with, let alone an engaged couple! Yet, I know we are not alone in this. It appears to a part of the gauntlet. So for those out here like us here is an encouraging example of how you can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are not ready for "little Tanners."

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"Do you want to grab the food or the water?" Tanner asked.

"Well...um where are the chickens? We might need those first!"

"What? What do you mean they're not there?!"

It was our first trip to feed the chickens while our dear friends were away on vacation. The task was simple. Food and water. Eight chickens. Now we had three. All were hens and all the roosters were gone. There was no blood in sight and hardly any feathers. It had appeared as if there was no struggle, but there were also no roosters. Anywhere in the general proximity of our friends property.

"They couldn't have just flown away!" Tanner explained in a sense of panic as he reflected back on his limited knowledge of chicken and his promise to look after them,

"I think they did. They aren't anywhere near here." Brianna pointed out as we watched one of the remaining hens hop onto the fence and climb out on the other side. The hen glared at us as she called for her men. She slowly lurked her way down the fence through an act of defiance and desperation. She knew she had to escape and find her fellow chickens. Tanner slowly followed her, cornered her, and much to her dismay deposited her back into the coup.  

And then she climbed the fence. Again. 

As we headed back to our car ready to call it a day we both wondered how we could fail so simple a task. It was our first time coming to feed them and already we had lost over half of them. We knew this would be our next answer when asked that unsettling question. If we cannot watch over chickens we clearly are not ready for children.